Our Entry

As you enter our house, you’ll notice a few things. The entry way to our house isn’t a grand stairway or have vaulted ceilings. It’s a wide entry with three doorways that lead into different areas of our house. The doorway straight ahead leads to what I call the men’s living room. The doorway to the left leads to a hallway that leads to the bedrooms and bathrooms and the one to the right lead to the women’s living room.

As you walk in through the front door, if you look around, you can see who lives in this house. There’s a grouping of pictures on the left wall of our family. I don’t know how many pictures are there but there are quite a few of all of us at different stages in our lives. Directly across from that grouping is a frame that was given to us by someone special to us. It has four pictures in the frame. This frame says, “Having a place to go is home. Having someone to love is family.” That pretty much sums us our feelings about our house and our family.

As you continue down the short entryway, you’ll see a red table just beyond the doorway on the right. This table was bought specifically for this place and it has things on there that rotate depending on the season. I bring up this table not because it has special meaning or is a cool piece of furniture but because what is on the wall just above the table.

Hanging on the wall in this space is perhaps one of the most important and meaningful art piece we have in our home. We didn’t purchase this art. It was drawn for us and given to us by a dear friend. This painting started out as one thing to the artist and ended up being extremely important to us as a family. If you’ve entered our home, you’ve probably noticed it but maybe you’ve never paid attention to it. This piece of art is absolutely beautiful and let me tell you why it’s so important to us.

This was done when we helped lead a college ministry in our home. Not this home but one a little ways back. This was done by one of the leaders in that ministry and at that time, it portrayed our group perfectly. The canvas was imperfect, just like us. There are runs from the paint, just as there were runs of tears down our faces of sadness, growth, happiness and love. There are cracks in the paint because there were cracks in us that needed to be healed. There are circles of all different sizes and a couple of flowers on there. There is a red circle on the painting with three different colored lines going through the circle. To us, the red circle represented our group and the three different colored lines represent the Trinity living in and through each of us.

FullSizeRender(1)This painting may mean nothing to you but to us, it means the world. It means we met people like Colt, Shaina, Nick, Matt, Travis, Lindsey, KT, Shon, Dan, Jessica, Creed, Lauren, Olivia and so many more. It was a time where I was able to minister to a cousin I barely knew but who has become a huge part of our life. It was a time where we all made mistakes but in the end, all was forgiven because we are forgiven. It wasn’t a perfect family all of the time but it was our perfect family. We laughed, cried, ate food and each of these people had a major influence on my kid’s lives. I’m sad we don’t see many of these people any more but every time I look at this painting, I can think about them and know what we had was God inspired and beautiful. This painting is so much more than a painting. It reminds us of God’s Glory!

The entry to our home isn’t as spectacular as many houses I have entered. But what it contains on the walls is more spectacular than many gorgeous entryways. The things on the walls may not mean anything to you but to us, it’s our life, spread out for all to see as you enter. We welcome you here and we say goodbye to you here but remember, all who want to come in and share their life with us are welcome.

Love you all!

The Front – More than Curb Appeal

As you pull up to our house during late spring and throughout the summer and well into the fall, you’ll see a lot going on usually. There’s a high chance the garage door will be open and kids will be playing somewhere. The driveway gets turned from a place to park our cars into a place to play basketball, ride rip sticks, a parking lot for bikes and many other things that has nothing to do with me. There’s also a chance you see a few adults sitting in their lawn chairs enjoying conversation while watching the kids play.

As you walk up the driveway toward the porch, you’ll notice the flowerbeds blooming with all kinds of color. There are red knockout roses that bloom from late spring until the first freeze. They are gorgeous and have grown over the years into very beautiful bushes. There are also yellow day lilies blooming to give us some other color in the front bed. In the beds just off to the left side of the walkway we have the knockout roses along with some ornamental grasses and blue salvia. The dark blue blooms almost get hidden in the foliage when the shade hits but when the sun hits them, you can see the blooms and they are gorgeous!

The yard is generally green and we attempt to keep it a nice height to help keep it healthy and weed free. We try our best to keep the yard looking as good as possible but there are times it’s almost impossible with the amount of traffic the yard gets. At any given time there could be a kick ball game, a baseball game, a football game or tag being played. And many times we have come home to find the neighborhood playing in our yard without our kids. And you know what, that’s okay. Our yard is there to be played on by anyone who wants as long as they are respecting our house!

As you walk on to the front porch, you’ll notice many pots of plants. We really like to have an inviting front porch and the coleus in the urn pots as you come up the walkway perfectly frame in our double front doors. To the left on the porch are 2 rocking chairs for anyone to sit in while they watch kids or simply just want to visit about the day. In far corner are 3 pots we’ve had for many years. They’ve actually been to each of our houses with us. They have survived many moves and are still some of our favorite pots. During the summer, because of how much shade we get in that area, we plant inpatients. They grow all summer and by the end of the fall, they have turned into large bushes and become the focal point of our porch. On the other side of the front doors, we have a bay window that allows our front room the light necessary to make it the perfect place to relax.

The front of our house is meant to be more than curb appeal. It’s meant to be inviting and a place where fun can happen. We want anyone who comes to our house to feel welcome from the second they pull up. With the kids playing out front and the adults talking about their lives, the front of our house is extremely important. It’s the first part of our house people will see and it’s also the last as they leave. It’s the place where friendships have been started by people of all ages and where great ideas on what to do next have been planned. It’s the place where, after a hard day’s work, I can shoot hoops with the kids and visit with them while shooting hoops. The yard is a place I can throw a baseball or football with the kids and not have to worry about getting into trouble for throwing in the house! The front of the house is the place we can sit and enjoy the beauty of the day no matter the weather!

Our hope is to always have an inviting front so when front door opens into the entry, you’ll know you are welcome. The front of our house says, “Come on in and enjoy your visit.”

Our House

As I looked back, it has been almost a year since I’ve written anything. As I think back to as why, I think it’s mainly because I’ve been in a place in life where all I wanted to write about was dealing with a difficult situation in our home. With that in mind, I am going to write more over the next few weeks not about things at our home but the things that make up our home.

In this first installment, I will describe each house we have lived in and then going forward, I will go through each room of the house we live in now from the front porch, into the front door, through the house and into the backyard. In each segment, I will explain what each room or portion of the house means specifically to me and why it’s an important into making up our home. I really hope you enjoy this project!

As a family, we have lived in many houses. We have lived in 2 apartments, 4 houses and a brief few weeks with each of our parents. Each of our places were much different and were perfect for the season of life we were living. Our apartments were where we lived as newlyweds. They were not the best of places but we made the most of each of the apartments. As a very young couple still in college and working full time, we lived in what we could afford. It wasn’t much but it was a place to lay our head each night.

Our first house was a small 3 bedroom, 2 bath, 1 living room and 1 car garage house. It was in a nice neighborhood with great neighbors. This was our oldest 2 kids first house. It was a simple layout and needed a ton of work when we first moved into the house. It had been run down from years of neglect and we were more than happy to fix it up the best we could. We weren’t alone in this endeavor. Our parents helped and many friends helped us as well. It was the first time in our young marriage where we really had help from close friends in helping us. It was a great time and this home was perfect for our young and growing family.

As we continued growing in that house, an opportunity to buy another house came up and we jumped. It was owned by the widow of a family friend and we were blessed to be able to purchase this house. Our plan was to have this house as our forever house. It was much larger than our previous house and it was perfect for entertaining. We were so pleased with this house because it allowed us to serve as a place for many college aged people to come and worship, fellowship and learn about Jesus. I remember a dear friend calling while I was sitting in the living room one day asking if she could bring her brother over to visit. I was the only one home and said sure. Her dad, brother and she all walked in a few minutes later and while visiting with her brother, we all saw a broken man give his life to Christ right there in the living room. This college group filled our large living room with love, laughter and support. This house is where our 2 oldest kids really “grew up” and made many friends at the school in the area. It was where we went from having 1 dog to 3 dogs. (What was I THINKING??) This house was our house and we were never leaving. Well, not until we decided to buy a business and have Christy quit her teaching job. Due to this, we had to say goodbye to this house and sold it to a very good family. The interesting thing about selling this house was not only did we sell the house because of downsizing but we also no longer had our college group. In a way, it closed a chapter on our life that was one of the most important and fun times in our family.

Our next house was a true blessing. It was a family house that had been a rent house for many years. There were funds to fix up the house to what we wanted without us having to do a lot of the work. It was much smaller but we had no mortgage came along with it. It was an adjustment to our 2 kids at the time because we no longer were in the same neighborhood as the majority of their friends. It was in the same house my wife lived in when she was a girl and in the same neighborhood I grew up in so many years ago. When we first got there, there weren’t many young families but within a year, we had two new families with young kids move in across the street. They were a blessing to us in so many ways. As time went on, we rearranged the house, redid a bathroom and did a complete overhaul on the landscaping. It had become the perfect place for us and what happened next in our life literally reshaped our family because of our willingness and need to downsize. We fell in love with a little girl we had never met. She instantly became part of our family from the first day my wife heard about her. In my mind, she was crazy but in her mind and her heart, this little girl was born to be our daughter. I remember sitting in the living room telling her there was no way I wanted any part of this and someone else could take her in. Then, after many weeks, maybe 2 months or longer, I remember sitting in that same recliner in the living room crying my eyes out for this little girl. By us downsizing our house, we were able to up-size our family. We had to rearrange things in our house again and make room for her to move in with our oldest child. This was not an easy transition but it helped our entire family grow into the family God intended us to have. This was also the home of great heartbreak as we had to say goodbye to a loved dog named Chester.

As we grew in our little house, we knew it was time to start looking for a new place. So, once again, we moved into a new house. This is the house I will go through over the next few weeks and explain why this house is not a house but a home. This house no doubt fits us best for who we are today like none of the other houses could. This house gives us the personal space each of us need but allows us to be intimate as well. Everyone has their own room and it’s the perfect place for large gatherings. The neighborhood is great and the people around us are amazing! There are tons of kids always running around and everyone comes out to play. There are times we adults just sit and visit while our kids play. There’s always something going on and at any given time, there could be multiple games being played by kids of all ages. This house has so many things about it that reminds me of our journey. It started out as a simple house for a small family and over the years, it has been added to and changed in so may ways. Each owner has put their own stamp on this house and the stories the walls could tell if they could talk would be amazing.

Just like our house, our journey as a family hasn’t always been easy or clean but we’ve survived every storm. There have been times when each of us has shut a door to try to keep others out but have opened that same door to the people we were trying to keep out because we love them. Buying a house is easy. Building a home that will last is the hard part. As I go forward with each part of the house, I hope to build a picture of our home. I do believe we have a beautiful home, no matter if the lawn has been mowed or not, if the beds are made not or if the dishes are clean or not. All of this because our home isn’t a house, it’s what happens inside us that makes it a home. I hope you enjoy the next few Mondays as I share!

Love you all!!

My First Love

We all remember our first love. No matter how things ended, we all remember their name, where we met, how long things lasted and that feeling we had during that time. We remember the good and bad but only hold on to the good. It was good for us then and if you really think back to your first true love, you learned more about yourself during that time than you could have ever imagined. But the past is past and we have all grown from that first love. Many of us have moved into a marriage with someone totally different and that’s a great thing! Some of us still have contact with our first love. Some don’t. For some, things ended about as good as they could have as you both went separate ways in life. For others, there was deep and hurting pain that still lasts. But no matter what, we all remember that first feeling of love.

Each spring, I think back to my first love. Not the love of a person but my first love in sports. Baseball. Baseball has been a part of my life since I can remember. As the season gets closer and closer, all other sports have stopped and baseball gets all of the attention. It’s the American past time and sadly, many people don’t see the beauty in baseball any more. It’s not a fast game but it’s a game where strategy pays off more than talent. Perhaps that is why it’s not as popular as it once was; now days, we want fast paced, lots of scoring and not much thinking. This is not the way baseball is played.

But baseball is the one sport everyone can play and it was the one sport where us, as little boys, could sit out in the field and pick weeds and our noses and not have a care in the world. It was the place where I, like many of you, could step from behind the backstop fence and not have any worry, except the worry of having a ball hit our way. It was the place where, as we ran the wrong direction, our parents and coaches would scream, “Run to first, NOT THIRD!” after we hit a full swing bunt. It was the place where many kids found friends and many parents huddled under the one shade tree to keep from getting too burned from the pounding sun. It was the place where we could be the best, even when we weren’t close to even being good. It was where many of us found what it was like to sit in a dugout by ourselves and watch our teammates play the game we loved playing. It’s where we, if coached correctly, learned the value of a team and how encouraging one another could lead to a 2 out rally to win the game. It’s where we learned at any moment, the most unlikely person could step up to the plate and become a hero. It’s the game that when we couldn’t play any more, we did everything in our power to hold on to it because we knew we would miss it.

As I got older, my love for baseball faded for some reason. I was a changed person and another sport began to take hold. I had a new love and it was football. It was the sport my Dad played and the place I can get lost in for hours on a Saturday afternoon. Just ask my wife! But no matter how much I love football today, there’s just something about baseball that makes me smile. Maybe it’s the game. Maybe it’s because over time, I’ve learned the value of the game. Maybe it’s because it takes me back to my childhood. But mostly, I think it’s because it’s the one place where my son and I can spend hours throwing a ball, not say one word to each other and at the end of our time say, “That was an amazing time!”

Yes, I think that’s why I’ve fallen back in love with my first love of baseball; it’s what my son and I do together and it’s a special time for us boys! I look forward to watching G play another season and learning more about this beautiful game. I leave with this quote from Field of Dreams that sums up how I feel about baseball;

“The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it’s a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again. Oh… people will come Ray. People will most definitely come.”

The Final 2 Mintues

Growing up Amason meant watching a lot of football and having quite an understanding of every moment that could occur in a game. Dad taught me how to appreciate the game from start to finish, no matter if your team was winning or losing. In winning and losing, Dad taught me how to see character in teams, coaches and players. But most importantly, he taught me how you could really know the real character of a team, the entire team, by how they played the final 2 minutes of every game; no matter how close or far apart the score was in the game.

As a kid, I didn’t fully understand but as I grew up, I began to understand what he meant. In a close game, did a team stick to their true selves or did they change who they are just because of the situation they were in for that moment? Did the team practice enough for the situation they are in or are they just looking for some desperate measure to work? In a blowout win or loss, how did they act? Did they respect their opponent or did they trash talk or attempt to embarrass their opponent?

As I got older, I grew to appreciate the final 2 minutes of a game and for this reason, I try not to leave a game or celebrate until the clock hits 0:00. It’s hard to explain to some but others know it for a fact that I have a very hard time leaving early. Most think it’s because I want to stay but honestly, it’s out of respect for those playing. No matter that outcome.

Over the past year, I saw something I did not want to see. I saw my Dad enter the 4th quarter of his life and begin to move very fast through this quarter. We all knew he would begin his 4th quarter but we never wanted it to happen and we never thought he would arrive to his final 2 minutes so quickly. Just as Dad said about football teams in the final 2 minutes, I learned more about him during this time than I ever thought I could. And, it was beautiful.

It was October 1st when the final 2 minutes began for him. He had just arrived home from a month long hospital stay and all he could say was, “I’m tired.” We knew he was tired and needed rest but in true Tom form, he fought. He had fought for years and as he realized he was in the final 2 minutes, he fought and his true character was bright and shining. Up to this point, I thought I knew my Dad. I thought for sure there was nothing more I could learn about him or from him. I saw this final 2 minutes as a time to reflect and he saw it as a time to teach, say goodbye and love us until the clock hit 0:00. In his final minutes, we didn’t know what to expect. He knew exactly what he was going to do and it was beautiful. It was an experience I will never forget.

I always knew my Dad loved Jesus and all people. He was always willing to help those who he could help and there were times, when, helping others meant something else had to give. He was called to help others and he obeyed that calling. What I never saw from him though was a spiritual side that would touch many people. He always wanted us to go to church, even when he couldn’t, because in his words, “You have to figure out who Jesus is to you and you can’t do it without seeking Him on your own.” But the thing is, I was too blind to see his words were his spiritual side. I saw it as him doing what he was supposed to do as a husband and dad but what he was doing was what God had told him to do. Let us search, on our own, to find our Jesus, not his. As his clock went from 2 minutes down, we continued to see things that were hard but beautiful. I saw my Dad get to say goodbye to his wife of 47 years, his 4 boys, their spouses, former in laws, each living grandchild and many friends and other family members. This is something not everyone gets a chance to have. I’m thankful he was able to have this time with each of us.

He would be comatose for hours and then all of the sudden, he would wake up and be clear with whoever was in the room. Where we really saw the beauty of this time was when, one night, a pastor came by to read scripture and pray over him. There was a lot going on that night in the house with some plumbing problems but God didn’t let that stop him from showing up in a great way! As the pastor read and prayed, I looked at Dad and I could tell he was quoting the scripture being read. As we finished, the pastor looked at Dad and said thanks for allowing him to come over. At that moment, Dad reached up, grabbed his hand and began praying for the pastor. It was a beautiful time and something I had never seen my Dad do in my life. To me, this was out of his comfort zone but, in the final few minutes, he did something that God asked him to do. Pray for this pastor, not his pastor, but this certain pastor. For his family, his ministry and his future. This is something this pastor had said he had never had happen to him. A man, on his deathbed praying for him. It was a beautiful moment.

As Dad’s time continued to diminish, he had several visitors to say bye, love you and thanks for being in their life. It was touching and then, on October 12, he asked for certain people to be at his bedside that evening. The people were his wife, 2 of his sons and their wives and his pastor. As we all gathered around him, he said thank you in his way to everyone. He said goodbye because he knew this would be one of his last audible moments. His final words to my wife were, “Whatever tomorrow brings, trust God with every fiber. I love you.” These were not only his final words to Christy but his final instructions to us as a family. To, every morning, trust God with every fiber and always love. Another beautiful moment! And then, after we all pulled ourselves back together, he asked for prayer and after the prayers were over, he grabbed his pastor’s hand and prayed for his pastor and his ministry. This pastor also said this had never happened to him in all his years of ministry. It was another beautiful moment.

Over the next two weeks, leading up to his death, we had glimpses into Dad’s character and every moment matched exactly who he was throughout his life. He fought hard and remained positive, just as he had in life. Over the years, the pain that was associated with all of his injuries could have defined him as a person or forced him into a life not worth living. But because of his character, the pain grew him into the man he became and the person we loved. It forced us all to adapt at times but he certainly lived a worthy life. Too many times in life, people get defined by what causes them pain but in Dad’s life, he used the pain, hurts and circumstances and created a testimony to share to the world. He also did this in his final 2 minutes.

As I look back at Dad’s final 2 minutes, I saw Dad’s true character and it was no different in the final drive than it was in every quarter before. He never changed who he was, no matter the circumstance. A true man in every way possible. I am grateful to have been able to spend just about every minute watching his final drive. It wasn’t easy on any of us but it was beautiful. There were times when we would cry out to God, “Why oh Lord have you not released him from his pain?” We know why; because there was still time left on the clock and we don’t leave when there’s still time left. We are thankful for the things we learned on that last drive with Dad. He showed us on that final drive, up to the very last breath, as he had my entire life, to be strong, brave and courageous and to never give up on this thing called life.

Dad, I thank you for every lesson, correction, hug, kiss and I love you. You will remain with me every day and from time to time, I hear you say, “Den, I love you.” Thank you for living a life worth living and for showing so many how to play a full game, to the very last second. Without you showing me this, I wouldn’t have been able to walk with you on your last drive. You are an amazing man and you will never be forgotten. I love you buddy!

It’s Been Real

It’s been real, a phrase I heard Dad say to Mom just before he went into surgery the last time. When he said this, Mom really didn’t know what to say and I wasn’t sure exactly what he meant. We weren’t sure if he would come through the surgery, so I took it as, it was his way of saying, thanks, I love you and I’ve had a blast all at the same time. As I think back to that night, that’s exactly what he was saying. As I really sit and think about how he simply said, it’s been real, I couldn’t help but think, he’s right.

His life has been real. Dad has never hidden his feelings or sugar coated anything. You know where you stand with Tom Amason and you know who he is; for better or worse. That’s what I love about him. He’s honest and driven. He is tough but gentle at the same time. He has a way of correcting you and loving you at the same time. He is grouchy but fun loving.

Dad has had a blast in life since the beginning. As a kid, I remember hearing stories from his mom about how he would mess with her about everything. One time, he was mad about having to do the dishes and decided, while his mom was going to the bathroom, to put a knife between his fingers, pour ketchup all over the place and started screaming that he had cut himself. She came running out of the bathroom, crying and well, not fully dressed to see what happened. He couldn’t contain himself when she was standing there crying that her baby was hurt. He started laughing and she wasn’t pleased. There are tons of stories like this from his life!

As Dad grew, he played high school, college and professional football. As he said, this was the time of his life, until he met Mom. Dad loved his playing days and has told me time and time again, he had no regrets about playing football and would do it again if given the chance.

Playing ball gave him a toughness and work ethic that is still at work today. Football absolutely was a dream but it was where he learned more about who he was as a man. Everything I can remember Dad doing, he did with passion and determination. He has taught me so many things and I am still learning from him today.

As a kid, Dad taught me you have to work and work hard in order to provide for your family. I remember going to the bank as a kid and hanging out at his office and hoping he could show me what he was doing. He had no problem doing this. I learned as he worked.

I learned how to work but I also learned how to love. I learned you have to have love for those around you or you will not be successful. I watched Dad serve our family and community in many ways. I remember him always telling me to be my best and how upset he was when I wasn’t. He wanted me to be my best and looking back, I wasn’t always and that was disrespectful. For this, I am sorry. Growing up Amason, as I call it, was fun! We had a blast but we worked. We did things as a family and still do today. Not as often but we are still together.

After Dad’s accident in 1987, our family changed but stayed the same. The people didn’t change but the roles did. Dad couldn’t work and Mom continued working, providing and being the caretaker of all of us. To this day, she takes care of him and he wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s a love story in its own way and is so very beautiful. Within their love story, there’s been fun, pain and love. But mostly love. Dad always wanted Mom by his side and today, that is where she is. Selflessly showing her love and devotion. It’s beautiful. It’s hope for those who have no hope because of hard times. It’s their love story for all to learn from if they paid attention to them over the years. I think I did. Or at the very least, I hope I did.

Dad’s life has been real. It’s been real fun and real hard at times. He’s been through more than anyone could imagine but is still fighting and loving today. I’ve never met a guy like him and I probably never will again. He’s been a wonderful example and with his fighting today, he is still are a great example. He frustrated me at times but I’ve never wanted anyone but his as a Dad. These past few days, I’ve realized what he meant by saying, “It’s been real.”

Dad, I hope to live my life like you have lived yours and become half the fighter and man you are now. People who know the man you are, love you for who you are; all of you. You are more than a Dad. You are a husband, son, brother, mentor and friend to so many people. You have been loved and have shown love. You are a real man in every aspect of what it means to be a man. Thank you for your life. Thank you for being real and showing me how to be real. Thank you for the correction when I needed it and love all the time.

I don’t know how much time you have left in this world buddy but let me say, it’s been real. Real fun and full of real love! I love you buddy.

It’s RAD but it’s not always fun

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is a rare but serious condition in which an infant or young child doesn’t establish healthy attachments with parents or caregivers. Reactive attachment disorder may develop if the child’s basic needs for comfort, affection and nurturing aren’t met and loving, caring, stable attachments with others are not established.

Many kids who suffer some sort of trauma in life, especially via abuse or neglect, have RAD. I had no understanding of this disorder until we brought E2 into our lives. At first, we didn’t know what to think or what was wrong. When she came into our home, she was seeing a counselor but that counselor didn’t visit with us about her much. Actually, I never met this counselor. After a couple of months of dealing with this, we knew we had to change something in order to try and get help. We were told of another counselor and from day 1, he has been an amazing help. He talked to us about RAD and we probably had that deer in the headlights look. He explained to us what we going on with her and from there, we began trying to gain an understanding of what was going on inside her mind and body. There’s just no way to fully grasp how hard life must be for someone with RAD.

Someone with RAD is a different being all together. They typically are very sweet and affectionate to strangers or people they have very superficial relationships with in life. But in the home, things are much different. There are fits, lies, anger, disobedience toward parents but especially Mom. There’s disrespect for authority in the home, again, especially towards Mom. They are very impulsive and sometimes cannot control themselves when eating or having things just to have things (hoarding). They seem to bossy and have a hard time hearing no or even saying no. They don’t take responsibility for their actions and have little or no conscience. A kid with RAD isn’t easy on the household but they aren’t to be given up on either.

In our home, I’ll be honest, there are times it’s hard to wake up not knowing exactly what you are going to face. We have been told time and time again, you’re good parents but it takes a whole different set of skills to deal with the someone with RAD. It takes determination, a stripping down of who we are to E1 & G and become someone totally different for E2, all the while being the same to all 3. It’s a balance that’s hard. It’s not impossible but some days it seems to be more than impossible. For me, dealing with E2 and her problems is easier than it is for Christy. But after much research and listening, it seems to be I have it much easier than she does when dealing with E2. For some reason, that mother relationship is the hardest for someone with RAD to connect to. I know why and it’s all the natural part of life. When a baby is born, it’s almost always Mom who holds the baby first. She feeds them from her own body. She nurtures, loves, holds and does everything for that baby. But someone with RAD didn’t get that. Maybe they got some of it but typically, they didn’t get much from Mom. It’s hard for them to trust a Mom figure and will do everything they can to push away and test to see when Mom will leave them; like has been done time and time again. Kids with RAD will lie, cheat, steal, manipulate and avoid closeness at all costs. As they begin to feel that attachment in a family unit, they push and they push hard. Break rules just to break rules so maybe they don’t have to attach. Lie, just to lie. Steal from people they get close to just because if they get caught, it might help push that person away. They can be destructive to themselves or their property. They typically can’t be trusted and are defiant and oppositional. They tend to be hollow or empty inside. All of these things are hard, especially for a Mom to have to see and deal with.

Not all RAD kids are the same. Not everything I described is true of our E2. She has those moments of defiance, opposition, lying, nonsense chatter and questions about everything. She acts different toward me than she does with Christy. She digs her heels in when Christy wants something out of her but goes out of her way to please me. She knows those little things she can say that hurt her Mom so bad but enjoys doing it so she doesn’t have to attach to her. At first, I thought it was an unconscious act on her part but after research and visiting with others, it’s not. She’s very deliberate and calculated when to dig in or hurt her Mom. It’s who she is today but hopefully it won’t be her forever.

You may read this and think, man, E2 is a horrible child. No she is not. Actually, she has a tender heart who cares about justice in this world; as long as that justice isn’t holding her accountable by her Mom! She has such a sweet spirit we see come out and when we do, we rejoice in that moment. Her fits aren’t like some kids with RAD and we’ve seen such growth in her and in us. As she grows further in our family, she pushes away but from time to time, she gives in and attempts to attach. Her past was not a good past but it’s still her past. She is forgetting faces and names of those who she was with for her first 8 years. I remember being told when going through our training to become foster parents, that a study had been done about the effects of telling a child they would never see their family again. They said their brain released the same hormone and they same psychological effects took place as to telling an adult they were going to prison for life and would not see their family again. A life sentence of hell in their minds. Sadly, too many of these kids actually do live in a life that is like hell to them. Not nearly as many of them get adopted each year, especially those who are over the age of 6. After the age of 6, the chance of getting adopted goes down drastically each year. Most of these kids end up aging out of the system and are left to be on their own. They don’t have places to turn and many of them never got the security of a family to attach to later in life. It is a life sentence and many of them struggle. There are many successes but without understanding, patience and love from people, it’s hard for many of these kids.

We pray daily for E2 and our family. We pray she has good days and when a bad day is there, we pray to get through it. We pray for every person she comes in contact with daily to be a good influence and that she follows their good behavior. We pray she can bond with girls and boys at school and them accept her for who she is and that she never has to deal with the ill effects of mean kids at school. We pray she continues to let things go that hurt and accept the love from anyone who shows love. We pray for her to be guided by God, not her own desires in life. We pray for a healing that can occur and for a renewed spirit in her life. We are proud of her growth over the past couple of years and we hardly recognize her from the first time she stepped in our house. She may have a long way to go but the distance she has come is amazing! And honestly, don’t we all have a long ways to go to get there where we need to be?  We pray for her future and we pray she never leaves us.

We pray for E1 & G as well. We pray for strength, understanding and love when facing each day. We pray for their friends to accept their sister and for them to protect her if they don’t accept her. We pray for them to be the examples of love and grace for E2 to see in our home from someone closer to her age. We pray for a connection to their sister that they have with each other. E1 & G have grown so much over the past 2 years and I am so proud of them. They, especially E1, have given up so much to someone who isn’t appreciative acting, who takes more time and energy from their parents than they were used to and someone who shows them no love, even when they love on her. They are 2 of my rocks in my house. They don’t fully understand why we brought this sister into our family but they say every day they wouldn’t change anything because God wanted her to be with our family. They are amazing; even when they don’t have to be or don’t feel like being amazing.

We also pray for each other as a couple. My prayer is for Christy to gain strength when there is none left. My prayer is for E2 to realize how amazing her mother is and wants to be there for her. I also pray for Christy’s spirit not to be broken by this disorder and to keep moving forward daily. It’s hard on her but I know she has the strength, desire and love to keep going forward. It’s not easy for me to watch Christy struggle but I also don’t fully know her struggle. I can say I understand but I truly don’t. I don’t have a kid, who daily, finds every way to push me away just because of the past. Not just because of the past but because she is also scared of her future. What happens if Mom leaves me? What happens if Mom isn’t there when she said would be there? What happens if Mom’s not there to answer my 1 million questions before noon? What if… You get the point. Anxiety of too many what if’s and yet not enough time to heal the past hurts or gain trust in the new life. Not understanding what love and grace is and certainly not understanding how to accept the love and grace given.

I don’t write this to get sympathy but to possibly help someone one day. Maybe our struggles and successes will encourage someone to reach out for help in dealing with someone with RAD or themselves if they have RAD. I write this to let you know we aren’t great people for adopting a child and truly don’t want recognition or a pat on the back for doing this. We only did what we believed God told us to do and have loved every minute of it; no matter if it’s good or bad. I write this to share a bit of our life because I believe it’s good for each of us to be exposed so we can see just how far all of us have come. I also write this because it’s my release. My release of RAD as a disorder and say what it is; it’s part of our family and we can either learn to deal with it, keep plugging forward and show E2 there’s hope in the future or we can let it rip us apart as a family and as individuals. The latter is not an option. We will keep plugging forward because we know there’s a hope of release from RAD for E2 and each of us and there’s a great chance she will gain an understanding of love and grace that will free her as it has freed us!