Being R

As many of you know, R is my first name. It’s not an initial and there’s no period at the end. It’s simply R (see, no period until now). I find it funny at times because there are times I’m kind of “R” rated. But mostly, my simple but complicated to explain name is just like me. Simple but complicated to explain at the same time. The following are my thoughts about being me. Some are good, some are bad but this is me being me. For better or worse, it’s completely open and honest.

I am who I am and what you see is exactly what you get. There’s not a lot of fluff, well, outside of my belly and butt, with me. I’ve told people a lot of times, if you want candy canes and lollipops, go see Willy Wonka, not me. For the most part, I think most around me like me like I am, open, honest and raw. But there are times I really feel sorry for those around me, especially my wife and kids because I am who I am. There are times I just wish I could be someone different for them. But in the end, I know they love me just as I am so I simply cannot change the core of who I am.

There are times I don’t feel amazing or happy but fight through it and find happiness and try to be amazing.

There are times I completely bury my hurts because others around me are hurting and I have to be strong for them.

There are times when I can’t stop laughing at something funny and I feel like I am going to die.

There are times when I cry and can’t stop crying because of the hurts and I feel like I’m going to die as well.

There are times when I cry for happy reasons and realize, this is what life is all about. Being so happy for someone else, it makes you cry.

There are times I pour my resources into the wrong things and it hurts those around me most.

There are times I pour into the right things and it elevates those around me to heights I’ve never witnessed.

There are times I simply don’t care and it shows to all around me.

There are times when I care too much and try too hard and push people away, especially those closest to me.

There are times I worry about things I simply cannot control or should not try to control. These worries weigh me down and dampen who I am. There are times I don’t worry at all about those same things and I’m in a better place. But there are times being in that better place is scary and I worry again.

There are times someone close to me calls or sends a text out of the blue and I get so excited.

There are times I feel so isolated I can’t breathe.

There are times selfishness and pride take over.

And times when I am humble.

There are times I say yes when I should say no and say no when I should say yes.

There are times I get angry and don’t control my tongue.

There are times when I should be angry but don’t care enough to show any emotion.

There are times my emotions get the best of me and times when my emotions are exactly what someone else needs.

There are times I just don’t want to and times I want to so much it hurts.

There are times I don’t feel like extending grace to others. And times when I just need grace to be shared with me. There are times when I do share grace with others. And times when that same grace is extended to me. This is what I strive to do more. Show grace, especially when it’s hard.

There are times I feel the walls are closing in on me, my dreams and my hopes. When this happens, I feel I’m about to lose everything, even though I am not.

There are times it seems there are no walls or boundaries and the world is an open field waiting to be discovered.

There are times people drive me crazy and times when I drive others crazy.

There are times I love to read a book and times I’d rather never see a book again.

There are times I’m intense.

There are times when I need some intensity.

There are times I’m completely chill.

And times I’m so overly wound up, it hurts.

There are times being R is hard. There are times when being R is easy. But mostly, being R is who I am and for better or worse, those around me love me. I love being who I am. I am a son, dad and husband. I am many other things as well but mostly, those three stages of my life have shaped me.

I am a son who has always tries to do what he can to care for his parents. A son who did all of the above things to them at some point in life but they love me enough to show me love and grace. A son who will give up anything to make sure they have because they gave up so I could have as well. A son who on more than one occasion heard, Den, we’re proud of you. And on more than one occasion heard, damn it Den, stop it. A son who cared for a father to his death and will do the same for his mother. Although that will be many years hopefully. A son who knows his parents love him and would do anything for him.

I am a dad who has three kids who he loves and who love him. I am a dad who changed an office into a nursery for his first born and spent many days with her while working. I am a dad who has played with dolls, let my daughter do my hair and drank tea with her and her friends. I am a dad who coached volleyball with other parents to be closer to his daughter and share a bit of his life with her. I am a dad who loves playing catch with his son because my dad couldn’t do that very well. I love our conversations when we play catch but I also love the quietness of being so far apart from each other all we can do is laugh or poke fun when someone makes a terrible throw or catch. I am a dad who loved helping coach his son in baseball and found it to me more rewarding than he will ever know. I am a dad who spent 22 hours on a bus with band kids just so he could be closer to his son and see his daughter do her thing at a football game in El Paso. I am a dad who said no to a 3rd child but after much prayer, said yes happily to that same child. I am a dad who doesn’t always understand the issues our baby girl has but one who was equipped enough to help her and her mom through tough things. I am a dad who loves being with and around his kids always. I am hoping they love being around me as much as I love being around them. I am a dad who has already cried over taking one kid to another place to live and will be a complete mess when the other two kids leave for college. I am also a dad who is ready for them to experience college life because we aren’t raising them to keep them. We want them to spread their wings and take in all God has in store for them, no matter where that may be. I am a dad who, at the end of my life, hope my kids have amazing things to share about me like I did my dad. I hope they always remain close to Christy and me. I hope I have been a good enough example to them they don’t share in my struggles as they get older. I hope they always keep Christ as their center. I hope they know how loved and proud of them we both are. They are all amazing kids and I can’t wait to see them become adults!

I am a husband who is in absolute love with his wife. I am also a husband who doesn’t always show his wife he is in absolute love with her. I am a husband who loves to do things for his wife. Little things that maybe nobody but her see. But big things too. These are not for show, they are out of love. I am a husband who can be intense but can also be super chill. I am a husband who wants only the best for his wife. I am a husband who is married to the most amazing person and if you don’t know her, you should. She is stunning in every way. Her love for Christ and others is amazing. Her love for me, even when it probably seems impossible, is unwavering. Her love for our kids is unbreakable. Her love for her friends can’t be beat. Her loyalty to everything she does is unmatched. Christy is the most amazing person I know. It’s not fluff, it’s the truth. She is also outwardly the most beautiful person I know. She’s MY HOT MOMMA and she knows it!! She likely won’t like all of these words because she’s humble and things like this embarrass her but it’s okay because that’s her and I show my love in many ways, including bragging about her! I love her more than I could ever express to her. I respect her more than I show her times. I am not always great to her or for her but she chooses me every day. And I choose her every day as well. I am one lucky man because I am Christy Amason’s husband. I am blessed to have such a woman like her to be the mother to my kids. I am a husband to a wife who, although we had nothing in common, find a way to make our lives common. I am a husband who spoils a wife who doesn’t need to be spoiled, only loved. I am a husband who gets to share life with my best friend. I am the lucky one Christy, no matter what you say! I am a husband who hopes his wife knows how special she is to me. I am also a husband who knows how special I am to his wife. I am one lucky man!

See, being R isn’t always easy or fun but R is who I am. But honestly, being me is really fun most of times! Sometimes I’m “R” rated, sometimes I am not. Sometimes I infuriate those around me and sometimes I act right! Sometimes I am amazing for others and sometimes I am not. Sometimes I share too much and sometimes I don’t share enough. But through everything, R is who I am and I am thankful for being me and sharing life with those who choose daily to share life with me. Thank you to my family, my friends who have become like my family and everyone I share my life with. Thank you Christy, Elisabeth, Garrett and Ella for loving me always. Life would not be the same without you. I love each and every one of you dearly!

 

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