To be broken is to be fractured, damaged, not in one piece, having given up all hope, in despair. That doesn’t sound like a good thing at all and honestly, it is not for anything, especially a person.
I am broken. Yes, I’m admitting I am broken and am in need of repair. I’m not broken in a sense of a medical condition. My body is actually in pretty good shape, or should I say, is a pretty good shape!! My brokenness is more of a spiritual and heart issue and I have been in the process of finding beauty in my brokenness.
This brokenness isn’t something that is new, it’s been around for quite some time but I have had the ability to hide it, deal with it and live with it because at the same time, others who counted on me, were broken as well. I did not have the ability to help them and help me at the same time. I put others first, which is not new for me but in doing so, I coped with these issues by pushing them down inside my heart and mind instead of tackling my issues head on while trying to help those around me. Due to this coping those around me haven’t been getting the best of me and I am deeply sorry for this and am doing all I can to become a better me for them.
This is not the first time in my life I have been broken but this time it seems different. I don’t know why it seems different but it does. I think over time, the loads I have carried for others have caught up to me. My shoulders are weak, my back hurts, my mind is racing and my heart has been in pain. Due to all of this, my spirit has finally broken and I am in need of repair. I think back to the past few months when I’ve been at my lowest point and I see a pattern of trying to get help but not asking for it because I felt I would look weak and I was not sure if those around me could have helped me with what I needed.
Don’t think this blog is all sad because it’s not. My brokenness doesn’t mean I’ve given up all hope; and neither should you believe there’s a deep issue here. I’m just being completely honest and open here. I’ve been holding hurts, scars, issues with selfishness and pride too close to my heart and not allowing myself to overcome them because to admit I was weak when others absolutely needed me to help carry their load was not acceptable. I had never not been able to help others carry their loads and although it was very difficult for me, I carried their loads instead of allowing others to help me carry mine.
I was built to carry heavy loads and God has entrusted me with many people in my life who needed me to help carry their burdens and love on them the best way I knew I could during their times of brokenness. It’s in this where my brokenness has occurred. I have hidden scars from others and myself instead of wearing them for all to see. I have hidden selfishness and pride so deep it’s who I became. When we have scars for all to see, others usually ask, how did that happen? That can open up a chance to share your scars story and to have them possibly help you heal those hurts. We should wear our scars as part of our story so we can overcome them and overcome how we got them so we never go back to that place unprotected from the pain. We shouldn’t hide our scars where nobody can see them, especially those closest to us. When we do that, it hurts each of our relationships. I hope to wear my scars proudly because dang it, I earned them!!
Within this brokenness, I have had to dig deep into every part of my heart, mind and soul. I have had to admit things to myself and others I didn’t want to admit. I’ve placed my brokenness out for those closest to me to see and those people are helping me in ways they may never know. I have had to take my burdens off my shoulders and my back so I can rest and heal. I have had to empty myself of myself and fill myself with God’s word, His promises and His grace. I’ve been granted grace by those who love me the most during this time and I think it has brought us closer together. I have a long ways to go until I am complete again but in my brokenness and being at one of the weakest moments of my life for quite some time now, I know beauty will soon bloom.
I know every scar and weakness I have can be made beautiful. I know during this time of healing and restoration, I will be completely put back together and will be even better than before. I know I will be stronger than ever before and harder to break in the future. I know my outer strength that everyone has seen for so long will become that strong inside my heart, mind and soul. My shoulders are weak but are getting stronger. My back hurts but the pain is much less. My mind has been racing but is now transforming and slowing. My heart has been in pain but it is being filled with joy, peace and love. I am surrounded by the best support group a person could ask for during this time.
I know when my brokenness is healed, I may look a bit different. I may look at things in different ways and I may speak, act and laugh differently. I really have no idea how all of this will change me but if all of these things happen, in the end, I know when I am healed I will be able to use this time for God’s glory. I will be exactly who I need to be for those around me. This excites me and I look forward to every piece of me being put back together again so I can use my brokenness to help heal others!
If you find yourself broken, don’t give up. Hope is around the corner. Help is always there and may come from those closest to us or from someone we least expect. Don’t withdraw, run toward others. Don’t think about the scars and hurts, write them down, speak them out or get them out any way you can. The longer you hide them, the deeper the break will be and the harder it will be to heal. It’s time for each of us to find where we may be broken and find our beauty in our brokenness. If we can all do this, imagine the beauty each of us will exude!!!!!!